So I booked a carvan holiday we go here every year. Its the most peaceful place I know overlooking the sea. I just wanted to go and relax and unwind As you know I have complained alot about how I am feeling, this is my time, I cant wait! My mum has text to say shes coming I was already taking my younger brother hes only 13. I planned family activities, playing arcades, doing quizzes and flying kites nice relaxing family time but it ended up just another holiday that evolved around alcohol. What I thought was a break turned in to being just like home. Dishes, breakfast, tidying, dog walking, night trips to the toilet for his diabetes, early morning rises for his insulin injections all done by myself. I wait for everyone to arise from their sleep only to find when they wake no one can really be bothered to do any of these activities as they have all been up late and are tired or a tad rough. I find myself walking around with dog making my own activities. We head out eventually and I was feeling queezy as I had been up all night sick with a nose bleed due to the pressure the vessels were bursting in my nose. I just needed a 5 minute break just to grab something to eat just to keep me going for the day but this proved to hard after all I’m only 16 weeks pregnant, how dare I ask someone else to look after my dog. As I had been carrying around my dog in my arms through busy crowds feeling warm exhausted I just needed a break. This was it weeks of stress and depression took over and the sadness set in, you know when things are just clearly an inconvenience 5 minutes was all I ask, I’m tired, I’m sick but I’m not moaning I’m plodding along going to the places everyone else wants to go ie anywhere that sells alcohol!. Enough was enough! I decide to cut my holiday short and come home. We became an inconvience on our own holiday, everyone just wanted to enjoy themselves but I couldn’t there is not much you can do in a pub when your pregnant and holding a dog afterall its his holiday to he doesnt want to be left in a caravan for a full weekend. It’s easy to blame the hormones but I just feel constantly let down all the time. It wasn’t a break any more and stress was making me sick. Hopefully everyone has realised how down I’m feeling and the lack of support and help I get. I feel sorry for single mothers and totally understand there struggles mine might seem minor but when you have went from a social butterfly enjoying life’s finest wine and surroundings to being pregnant and giving up everything it’s hard to be in the company of others drinking all day and night. I think people don’t realise how hard and tiring it can be just because you cant see a large bump and a waddling woman doesn’t mean shes not struggling inside. I hope the next time I write to you my spirits are better and I can share some lovely photos and stories with you 💕 always be kind to others
Little Goblin Hormones
Im hungry, I’ve not eaten all day and last night I was sick. My appetite has came back Today and I’m feeling pretty okay. Scott told me he needs to nip out for a bit and he will pick up some dinner, Sounds good to me!! so I tell him I would like a Jalfrezzi, plain rice and a chipatti. This is the healthy option, better than greasy curries with garlic nan. Oh how I miss garlic nan. I only like a specific Indian take away where I live they give you salad with your curry, salad to me makes a curry. So he arrives back and I put out the curry but… no salad ??? Why is my chapatti all wet?? So I ask where he got it from and he tells me where I asked, now I know its not so I ask again and he tells me its from the place down the street that I dont like and he forgot to go to the correct Indian Takeaway. Well the goblins inside took over I was soon throwing Chapattis around the room in hysterics crying my eyes out aksing how he could have went behind my back and did this to me. I had looked forward to this and now I wasnt going to eat it. As emotions took over I stormed out and cried for an hour whilst Scott scraped the plate and finished off the Jalfrezzi. Its just a curry, yeah but it was my curry my chance to eat and feel better. Back to square one in to bed hungry and upset over a curry. Who knew food could be so upsetting!
13 Week Scan, Time to Tell the World.
Its time to tell the world, its the 13 week scan. Surley once I tell everyone this weight will be lifted from my shoulders and I will feel better, right? Only for a minute. It was better that people knew, a relief. People would know why I wasn’t out or avoiding social events. People would stop asking me out and I would no longer need to make up some sort of excuse and feel bad about it all. Nothing else changed really I was still alone. I took up cleaning in my spare time afterall I didnt have much else to do. I started to save money, what I would usually spend on alchol now went to cleaning products. I used to spend hours cleaning the house and bleaching the bathroom. I had to swap alot of products to stop me inhaling the strong smells and feeling sick. It became tiring doing this all the time and trying to keep on top of house work. There was a constant mess, it wasn’t me that was leaving it but it was me that had to tidy it. Again something else to add to my list of forever growing problems. I begin to think if its just me, am I over the top? Is it my hormones? Am I expecting to much? Im not really sure. How do get around all of this working all day and coming home to make food and then clean along with getting showers and drying your hair. Im so happy I have my baby growing inside me but I just wish I could enjoy it, that we could both enjoy it. My emotions start to turn to anger and the hormones take over.
Loneliness
Back home, back in bed just me and my slowly growing bump. Still no one really knows our big secret, we are just waiting for the 13 week scan so we can be sure everythings okay and we can feel positive in telling people. It seems like a lifetime, I feel like I’ve known forever. I’m an outgoing person I’m not really an emotional person. I’m quite strong and I’m usually a shoulder to cry on but it was all changing. I had never felt so alone. Scott was still socialings he was out at the football, having a drink with friends or at his mates house. He was always nipping in and out doing things whilst I was in bed myself with the dog feeling ill. I domt grudge him that afterall if he was here what would he be doing sotting in bed beside me waiting till I felt better. Every weekend we had something on (not all events were drinking events) but they turned out to be anyway. I was kept up at night with the sounds of facebook videos and doors banging and noise making by Scott lying next to me drunk untill 4 and 5 am so I was never sleeping and weekends turned out to be just as bad as week days tired and stressfull. We began to argue he thought I was nagging but he couldnt quite understand I was pregnant and run down and needing sleep. He stopped cooking dinners and doing house work and everything was left to me because he felt he dereved a break at the weekend. No rest for the wicked I suppose. The once outgoing social party girl was turning in to the depressed, stressed and lonley pregnant girl. Feeling like I am wrapped in a cacoon with no one round about I felt trapped and alone. Having sleep means your not tired, if your not tired you can make breakfast, if you can make breakfast your not hungry, if your not hungry you can function for the day. Thats how it works. I am not denying any one a good time, not at all its just pretty shitty sometimes when I feel I’ve given up everything maybe Im being resentful for him still living his life when I feel like I dont have one at the moment.
P o r t u g a l
Well its time, flight wasnt so bad afterall and I wasn’t sick. Yeyyy. We arrived in Portugal and head to check in. The nice lady at reception asks for our passports, not a problem I turn to Scott and see a blank look on his face. I knew it! Hes left it on the bus alongside our euros and our keys for our brand new Audi thats sat at Edinburgh airport waiting on our return. Great start to the holiday! As we sit in the stair at the front of the hotel waiting for the bus to return the heat becomes to much. Im usually at the bar with a cocktail by now but Im 11 weeks pregnant and I’m hungry! As the holiday gets on I find that it evolves round drinking in the afternoons and in to the late evenings and sleeping in late in the mornings. I cant have that though I’m up early and need breakfast I need fed my baby needs fed. Im not going to breakfast alone. As I try to wake Scott he complains he needs a long lie and cant be bothered getting up. This is because hes sat up late in the veranda watching videos a drinking beers. Just another inconvience to my holiday. It rained the full time we were there 5 days out of 6. They say it doesnt rain in the pub, so you guessed it! We went to the pub. Scott began to get to the point he didnt want to go anywhere or do anything because it was raining and drinking was obviously the only option. This just becoming to much and hormones everywhere I began to hate this holiday. I couldnt relax, there was nothing to do, there was no one to do anything with. My holiday turned in to a nightmare and I felt sad, alone and resentfull. Never mind, wasn’t like it was the last holiday I was going to have abroad for a while, wasnt like it was the last chance to relax and unwind before I need to really prepare for motherhood. Eventually the stress and depression kicks in and things all change.
Mixed Feelings
People say you should enjoy pregnancy and its the best feeling in the world, so why do I feel like I’ve been put in the blender. As my insides stetch to accomodate a growing human, the tiredness kicks in and the nausea creeps over I begin to struggle. People at work dont know yet and I am trying to put on the “I am fine face” Im at work 8 1/2 hours a day 5 days a week, its a long day when your feeling down. Then its home to do the washing, dinner and the housework. How have women coped all these years? With the nausea taking hold cooking is becoming a problem, I just can’t do it. I begin to come home from work and crawl in to bed still with my clothes on pulling the covers over my head. I can’t sleep for long afterall I have a dog hes diabetic he needs insulin, he needs his jags and he needs his dinner ( pedigree wet food, imagine the smell. Beefy meaty juicey slop pouring out a packet in to his bowl ) Up I crawl looking at the dog asking him for help. He just looks at me. Yep I have a boyfriend, where is he you ask? well hes not here because since I’ve became pregant he seems to have upped his social life and changed his priorities . This is where it starts getting complicated. I am 10 weeks pregnant and we are heading to Portugal in 1 week. I’ve not been great and I panick I’m a bad flyer and I start to download meditation music and order flight socks and anything thats gonna help. Lets see how Portugal goes afterall we have agreed it will be a relaxing holiday in a quiet resort to give us time to take in the last holiday before parenting. Heres a picture of me trying to relax and destress and fix the pimples, whiteheads, dry skin and bags from my face to look a little more appealing for holiday.
S#!T Im Going to Amsterdam
So we are pregnant not far along. We are trying to work out just exactly when this could have happened. Now we know it was Scott’s birthday 9th of February. Happy Birthday heres an egg for your sperm, what were you thinking. We are going to Amsterdam the following week I take to the dreaded google to find out if I can fly, what can happen, what will I do, what will I eat, what should be avoided. Its google after all so you have yourself avoiding everything before you know it. If google told you that you had to hold your breath for 5 minutes whilst patting your head and rubbing your belly, would you do it? Yeah we would probably try it. We get to Amsterdam we are with Scotts sister and partner, their friends are there to and one of them is also pregnant but shes 16 weeks along and she has a bump. As we stroll through Amsterdam waiting for the sex show to start ( like nothing ive ever seen before) they are naked having sex on the stage emotionless but going hard at it. Im slightly disturbed watchin it whilst eating my penis shaped lolly pop they have given to me on entry. Everyones ordering drinks, but what am I going to do ??? No one knows?? We order as usual as I slide my drinks to Scott for him to drink whilst no ones watching. Hes not doing very good as people are telling me to drink up as they wait for me. Im starting to think people are clicking on. We head to the next bar Scott hands me a drink and winks this is for you. So I’m thinking maybe a “morgans and coke” I throw it back like I’m having fun only to realise its a large straigh Jack D!!!! Pwfffttttt what am I to do with this. As I smile and lean down I spit it on the floor its fine everyones drunk in this pub no one notices. I start to overthink as we go through the pubs that people are watching what Im drinking everyones saying whats that you got now Its really just coke but Im just making up concoctions in hope no one asks for a drink. We get home and scott invites everyone back for a party in our room its 2am and Im sitting on the window ledge pretneding to drink a pink gin by this time I really just feel like drinking it as I become tired and feel like banging my head off the wall. Its morning time and we speak about what we are going to do. Yeah its time to tell them Scott cant keep up with drinking two drinks and its Amsterdam we cant really afford that either its like €10 for one drink, so we tell them. No more alcohol just sex shows and visits to the sex museum drinking mint tea and still water whilst everyone else gets sozzled. But Brookes pregant to so not to worry we are both on the same boat!
Its P o s i t i v e
7 months after settling in and 7 months worth of hard work and hangovers to get the house the way we want it we have a free weekend. I head to my friends for a catch up and she asks me to bring wine. Yep obviously Im coming round you need wine! Give me 5 to I take of my pjammas and slip in to something that is more appropriate like leggins and a hooded top so I can attend the shop on my travels. As we pour the wine and start to drink I soon realise Im not really digging a drink. Scotts out at football you will learn hes there alot throughout the blog hes a Rangers Fan, big downfall as Im a Celtic fan. Old firms are good in our house. Anyways he rocks up later that night and helps us finish the wine and finishes off the vodka from the cupboard. Its 2.30am we have a 5 year olds Birthday party in the morning lets get home! Its Scotts cousins party, shes adorable very well mannered and just a little pleasure to be around. Some of the adults are sitting at the party with there babies how cute, they are gorgeous but No I dont want to hold them. We are sat talking about ovulation and how sticky vaginal fluid is and how to work out when your ovulating to try for babies. Well little did I know Im 2 -3 weeks pregant and we could probarly have avoided this chat had I know! Party is finished and we head for the typical after party of a 5 year old Gin, Beers and Glayvar. I felt guilty about something, not quite right, like I had something hanging over me. So I decided I wasnt drinking and yes obvcourse everyone was shocked I cant even attend a funeral without finding the time for a tipple. Its 1am I’m the driver dropping everyone off at the choosen destinations, would usually be our house till many hours later but not tonight. I wake in the morning early Ive been dreaming about pregancy I remeber I have a test in the drawer so I creep next door and in to the toilet. I’m trying to pee on the stick but Im nervous and its first thing in the morning its coming out pretty quick I really need to wash my hands after this. I give the test time to develop…well around 2seconds was all it needed and yep just as the guilty conscience confirmed P O S I T I V E. I quickly get ready Im heading to ASDA before Scott wakes I need a clear blue digital! I need to know how far along I am! Just as im putting on socks Scott arises from his drunken sleep looking bleary eyed and a bit confused. He blurts out I think you need to do a pregancy test I was dreaming you were pregnant. I’m thinking oh god our dreams must be telepathic. I reply I will after ASDA he replies “no I think you need to do one now!” My face says it all I dont know what else to say apart from “Ive already done it and its postive” as I clutch the test ! Hes still a bit drunk from night before not really sure what I’ve just said. He looks at me and says really?? Yep really!! Takes him about 5 mins to register and then eventually congractulates me. So off to ASDA we go. First test didnt work but after all I was in the toilet surrounded by people who could hear the rustling of the packaging trying to unravel. We get home I get out my shot glass I think it’s from greece it has a little map on it but its big enough for the job and this time I’m not taking shots. I dip in the stick just enough to work… and there it is 2-3 weeks preganant.
How It All Began
Previously I was in a relationship for 9 years, it just wasnt mean to be. We were very different people who fell back in to the ways of each other through comfort even though we knew there was nothing ever going to come of it. Its a long time to spend with someone who just isnt for you. So of your are in the same shoes maybe its time to start a new beginning its best for both of you. There is always someone out there for everyone, So I came to find. I met Scott we clicked instantly, did I mention we met through work..probarly not but anyway! We clicked we had everything in common, most of all “the sesh” as they call it in Scotland . We spent many late nights bonding through our love of prosecco and rosey wine then anything else that was left in the cupboard. Not before long Scott moved in. Everything seemed perfect and we went on to make it offical and meet the parents. As things progressed we bought our first house and a car. I have a pet dog he’s a Chihuahua he doesnt contribute much to the bills just kinda runs around demanding things. He’s very friendly and loving with a heart of gold….well towards me anyway! If your the postman or an outsider you need to give him 5 hes just very terratorial. He has these little sharp teeth, much like miniature fangs and little brown eyes that can very quickly turn possesed more like Saten than that doggy in the window and large pointy ears that flop when hes in trouble. He’s 7 years old and newley diabetic ( a chore on its on just about to prove very difficult for a pregnant women. So anyway 7 months later enough to enjoy a few shindigs in the newly purchased home before it was all to change.
Social Butterfly
Here I am waiting for the weekend, waiting for the chance for my 5 day working week to end so I can live for the 2 days I long for. We work way to much , we should work 2 off for 5, right? We really do spend so much time working and not with family and friends truly enjoying life. As they say if you died Tomorrow your employer would have an ad for your job within weeks but your family would never replace you. My weekend consist of drinking wine and gin, socialising with friends and staying up to the wee hours in the morning totally ruining my socolial reputation with the antics I perform. Alcohol solves everything your stressed have a wine, bored have a wine, having a bad day have a wine, pregnant WELL here we are. Writing blogs to keep myself amused before I have that breakdown thats been lingering over me for weeks.
#socialbutterfly #pregnancy #mumtobe #newlife #pregnantlife #motherhood #beforeitbegan
Just Like That, Pregnancy Paradise 